Faceless cowboy with an empty gun
Has lost his hat in the hot desert sun
It's a ten gallon hat, and it's nine gallons full
(He poured out the last gallon to make room for his skull)
It's laying a few feet away from the man
But he can't tell his hat from a rock on the sand
As noted, this gunslinger's missing his face
So where should be his eyes, there's just blank, empty space
So he sits on his horse and scratches his head
Not realizing, you see, that his horse is quite dead
The horse in itself was an interesting show
It had only one leg upon which to go
One leg, with one shoe, but it loped along fine
This peculiar pony, this one limbed equine
It hipped and it hopped, 'til one day it got stuck
(My guess is he was three horseshoes short on his luck)
Anyway, he got stuck twixt an outcrop of rocks
And the stop shot our cowboy right out of his socks!
Well, he managed to hunt down his socks pretty quick
But his nine gallon hat had been lost in the trick
He searched for a night and a day and a week
But he still hadn't found the hat he did seek
So he sits on his horse, which has died three days past
And he wonders if he should just give up at last
When suddenly, off in the distance, a sound!
A fellow dust rustler was coming around
Up over a hill and round a small bend
The rustler comes by and glances at our friend
He spies the hat near, and lifts it up by the brim
"Only nine gallons," he says, sounding grim.
Our poor friend, the cowboy, can't say a word
He lacks the equipment to be properly heard
So, seated as he is upon his ex-horse
He starts waving his arms with severe, wild force
The rustler looks up from the hat with disdain
"This is yours, then, I take it," he says. "What's your name?"
Our hombre sans face parts hangs his head in shame
He has no mouth to speak, nor lips to proclaim
And the rustler who's asking his name is no other
Than Leonard, his evil amnesiac brother!
Leonard, you see, turned to a life of crime
Upon hitting his head and forgetting the time
He forgot 'bout his mama, his papa, his son
And his faceless young brother, (this very same one)
All he knew was loneliness borne of injury
The best way to solve it? A state wide crime spree!
So he leapt up at once, with a wicked wide smile
Then he ran off to go perform crime for a while
Fast forward to present, our hero and villain
Are feet from each other, the both of them chillin'
Our missing-faced friend still remembers the speak
Of the brother he thought that he'd lost late last week
But Leonard knows nothing, except that he hates
That nine gallon hat and the man with no face
Leonard spits at the faceless one, sneer in his voice
"You want this hat back? Time to make a big choice.
You can try and come claim it, I dare ya, ya clown
But I warn ya, I'm fastest gun e'er come around.
I'll shoot you up quick 'fore you get two steps near
So if I was you, I'd not come over here."
Our hero steels himself for the fight
Of getting his hat from the man to his right
He slowly draws out his unloaded gun
And stands off his horse, preparing to run
The horse, which is dead, tumbles down from its tomb
Off the rocks which entangled it, sealing its doom
It rolls over to Leonard, who catches a breath
Of the carcass which now lies at his feet, horsey death
"MY LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!" He screams, "WHAT A SMELL!
THAT ODOR IS RANCID! OH MERCY! OH HELL!
You can have this dumb hat, you foul ornery bandit!
I don't know how you could just sit there and stand it!"
And Leonard takes off, and he throws up the hat
Where it lands right atop Cowboys' head, just like that
He's so overjoyed, he lets loose his ordinance
Which, being reholstered, blows a hole in his pants
The shot, which was hiding, leaps off of the sand
Goes hurtling upwards, and right through his hand
Then curves to the left, and makes for his head
His gray matter flies out the back, and he's dead
Suddenly, pearly white gates stand before him
He hears heavenly choirs beginning a hymn
Saint Peter appears, and announces his claim
He says, "You can enter, but first... what's your name?"